Misgendering is the 'art' of mistaking somebody's pronouns. Yes, we've all been there, so here are some tips to stop doing that.
Mis-gender... wait, what? 😳
Misgendering is a term used to describe when assigning a gender to a person incorrectly. As a cisgender woman with a –partially– very feminine gender expression, I can count with my fingers the number of times I've been called out as 'he' or 'sir'. In contrast, for trans or non-binary people, this happens daily. Cisgender means that the gender I was assigned when I was born is the one I identify with. But there's a large number of people who don't identify with 'she' or 'he' pronouns and rather use 'they' and 'them'. These gender identities can be labeled as non-binary but also as gender-neutral and other gender identities.
When growing up we were never told to ask for pronouns before speaking to somebody else. Many schools' sex-ed teaching plans don't include terms like intersexuality, LGBTQA+ sex, non-binarism as an identity (and so on), and in the large majority of our houses, those terms are also never used. As a result, we grow up ignoring those realities. And so when it comes to speaking with other people we tend to assume their gender based on what we learn are 'the only two possibilities': man and woman. Even when accessing certain online platforms, especially those from governments that only recognize two genders– there are only the 'male' and 'female' options in 'gender'!
Times are changing and today more people are coming out as non-binary, trans, or rather use other pronouns. Misgendering them usually involves making the person feel more invalidated and unseen –especially if that person is part of the LGTBI+ collective and already faces structural and institutional discrimination for that–. When it happens daily, it becomes a burden that can negatively impact their mental health.
Here are some tips to stop misgendering people and, in case you do, to repair the caused damage.
1. It's simple: ask first (❓)
As easy as it may sound, interrupting our self-taught way to approach new people to ask which pronouns to use is not as effortless as it seems. But, trust me, it requires more work for the misgendered person to interrupt you too to correct you and justify why. This Hardvar's Medical School research shows that people who are repeatedly confronted with this experience and the decision of whether or not to correct it throughout the day face both exhaustion and demoralization. If you don't want to interrupt somebody to ask for their pronouns, just wait until the person refers to themself or simply ask: how are you today?
2. You've done it and realized: it's time to apologize 🙏
If you know somebody asked you to change the pronouns you usually refer that person with; or you just met somebody who said is identified as non-binary or gender-fluid; or called 'him' a trans-feminine person or 'her' a trans-masculine person, and realized: say it. As I was growing up I never met anybody I had to talk with gender-neutral pronouns. But today many of my friends identify as non-binary or use both 'he' and 'she' pronouns. In the beginning, I had a hard time remembering to use the correct pronouns after some of my friends told me they were changing them because of whatever reason. I found it hard because I was used to using a specific pronoun and all of a sudden it changed. But like everyone else around, we all had to adapt. So to prevent misgendering, I asked them what should I do when, as an error, I used the incorrect pronouns. And the answer was simple: if you realize, just say it at the moment. "We feel way better if you realize and say it because you relieve us the burden to choose whether to interrupt you to correct you or not", told me once an anonymous non-binary person. Since that day, if it happens I correct myself ASAP, I apologize and keep on with my speech.
3. Get informed 📚
If you've misgendered someone and they've pointed you out, shut up and repair the prompted damage. If they've accused you of using the wrong pronouns, you have nothing else to do than to apologize and reformulate your speech. It can happen in a conversation but it can also happen when sending an e-mail, contacting somebody on social media, in a call, and many other situations. To avoid it you can try to use inclusive language, avoiding binarism in expressions like 'ladies and gentlemen' and using alternatives like 'everyone', 'folks' or 'people'. You can also do that when speaking about relationships –avoiding the use of words that define gender such as 'boyfriend and girlfriend', 'brother and sister'– you can use 'parents', 'couple' or 'siblings'. Lots of people decide to put their pronouns in their email signature or social media profile to make non-binary people more visible and to be inclusive for everyone, regardless of their gender identity. You can check this cool UN's guide for inclusive language for more info on how you can make sure you avoid misgendering.
4. Get some referents! 👀
The easiest way to avoid misgendering is to avoid using pronouns, but when they're necessary for your speech, you can always ask the person you're speaking to which pronouns sound. A good way to help others avoid misgendering, and by thus avoiding people getting uncomfortable, would be speaking about gender diversity with your relatives, regardless of your gender identity, once you're properly informed. It is hard, tho, to find non-binary and trans role models in today's cultural products but there are some. Value their voices and, most importantly, when speaking about it, don't assume anything. Neither their gender identity nor their personal experience. Since all of this info may (or may not) be pretty new for you, here is a list of cool people and organizations speaking about it online:
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