Threesomes are fun. Even funnier when you're bi. However, the lack of sex education and sexist and free porn productions have long fetishized this practice, turning it into an entertainment circus rather than an enlightening sex scenario. In this article, I try to erase the stigma they have long carried and I explain why, in my experience, they've been a wonderful sex school.
When somebody thinks about sex, a heterosexual or homosexual couple brusquely moving under the sheets often comes to mind. But as we humans do, sex comes in all shapes and sizes... and in numbers too! Sex doesn't only happen in bed (how boring, otherwise!) nor exclusively between couples. There are amazing and multiple ways to do group sex, far beyond what free porn has shown us so far.
Within the word 'threesome', the image of two young women pleasing a man constitutes a big part of the collective imagination. However, this image is far from reality. Sexist porn has harmed the idea of sex in general because there is a big lack of explicit and feminist sex education, all around the world. So when young and curious teenagers start consuming x-rated material from free pornsites, they believe what they see through the screen to be the description of real sex. Yet a big part of sexually active adults knows those audiovisual fantasies don't show how sex really works, but rather, they are a useful device to boost sexual arousal when needed.
Don't take me wrong: I love porn. Not only as a consumer, but also because when it doesn't normalize gender and sexual violence and racism –often coming from small independent productions that include a payment wall– it can show the value of mutual consent and the respect of people's limits in sex. Because sex should be all about this: consent, respect of limits, and infinite fantasy. I believe all porn should be paid, as sex workers involved are, indeed, working, and nobody likes to work for free.
Now, far from the collective imaginary threesomes entail, this practice demands the three people involved to actively give their consent. I'm not an expert on sex, but I've done several threesomes. All of them were so different from each other, as the people involved were also different. Everybody has their own preferences, and I believe it is important to ask about them, even before or during sexual intercourse. In any case, having a threesome is definitely different than hooking up with one person, not only because the number of people involved increases, but also because the whole sensation and practice take completely another dimension. Fucking around with two people at the same time taught me incredible sexual lessons I believe should be applied to every sexual encounter, regardless of the number of people involved.
Here I enlisted five lessons I learned from threesomes.
1. Threesomes Aren't Like In Movies
Not a single time I've been involved in a threesome had anything to do with what fiction had told me before. Threesomes are badly represented in movies, as well as sex in general. Sexual encounters don't end in a simultaneous orgasm between the parts involved, and things like farting, broken condoms, and uncontrollable liquid (or poop) flow, happen. In a threesome, all of those common sex situations happen multiplied by three. For me, this is part of the fun, yet I understand lots of people seek perfection. But let me tell you something: perfection doesn't exist, and it is unreachable in sex. Unless you are a sex professional and you are recording a porn movie, shit happens, *literally*. My advice would be to relax and go with the flow. Mistakes can (and should) be part of the fun and something to laugh about. When engaging sexually with two people (regardless of their gender), as we humans aren't perfect, you should expect some inconvenience. And that is more than ok.
Another myth often shown in movies turns about encountering the perfect people to engage in a threesome. Most films represent it as something casual, that will eventually and magically happen, usually, between a stable couple and a "guest". But there is an abysm between movies and real life. Finding the right person to have sex with is already complicated, so imagine having to find two! Indeed, if you are dating someone and are looking to include an extra person in bed, the task might be a little bit easier. However, if you are looking for two strangers to consensually engage sexually between the three of you, things get a little bit more tricky. That's why direct and assertive communication is crucial. Taboos shouldn't exist in sex, otherwise, it stops being funny. Pressure, insecurity, and nerves, are a big turn-off. Sex clubs could help with the task of finding the right people since their members go there to actually have sex and experiment with it. Besides, those spaces provide materials to protect against ITS and stuff to experiment with, like condoms, dildos, and many other sexual furniture or toys. But beware: not everybody will be okay with the idea of engaging in a threesome, so without any taboo, ask first.
2. It Is Awkward To Get Things Started
Once you've found the right people to have a threesome with, all the parts are informed and they gave their verbal consent, there is (for me) a major problem coming: to get things started. In my experience, that has always been the most awkward part, especially because all threesomes I've had were planned in advance. Even if we only talked about it five minutes before going into action, there was always a verbal agreement on the practice. So when everybody has agreed: what comes next? who should do the first move? how does it start?
When I've been involved with a stable couple, it was them who started the game. When I've been involved with my current partner and a third person, we gave the first step. When you already know someone sexually, call it your partner or your current sex buddy, it is easier to kick-off due to familiarity, or intimacy with that person. However, the times I've been with two random strangers, things got a little bit more awkward. It was always funny, don't take me wrong. And I'm sure these things could come naturally, but that hasn't been my case. Put yourself in this situation: you're locked in a room with two other horny people and everybody knows you're going to have a threesome, but nobody does the first step. That can be really awkward. That's why, again, assertive communication and verbal questions are so important. One might ask: "should we get things started?" And the rest will follow.
My advice to break the ice would be to give a gentle and sensual kiss. It doesn't necessarily have to be on the mouth, but kissing both people (either at the same time or one right after the other) can be a really hot sign. Changing the setting, on the other hand, is another option. During one of my threesome encounters with a stable couple, we were having a drink in their living room, when one of them stood up and went straight to their room. Even if the three of us knew we were going to get on it at some point of the night, the fact that this person decided to change the environment from the living room to the bedroom, and straight away sat in their bed, already gave us a sign things we were going to get things started.
3. Sharing the center of attention
Threesomes involve bodies, fluids and tongues all over the place. This is fun, but it can get overwhelming. For me, the most difficult part was learning to share the center of attention. I've had conversations with other people who argue that when being the center of attention themselves, they got overwhelmed. But for me, it happened the opposite. Of course, the goal of a threesome is not to leave anyone behind, otherwise, it stops being a threesome to become something else. However, since besides porn, nobody teaches us how to get it done, it is normal to eventually focus on one person, and then the other, and constantly alternate. Even though there are plenty of positions in which three people can engage sexually, eventually, someone becomes the center of attention. And here the difficult task is not to feel left behind.
I've realized that one of the biggest differences threesomes have in comparison to an encounter between two people, is precisely, the quantity of time other people employ into you. But what is better than real-life porn? If you are hooking up with two people and eventually you feel left behind, you have three options: talk about it, as everything is about communication, leave or stop it all, or simply watch. Trust me when I say that watching your partner getting it done with another person with whom you are also into, can be really hot. But if that's not for you, you can always use other parts of your body, besides your genitalia, to interact with what's happening in front of you. If there is penetration or genital contact happening, you can either kiss anybody on the part of their body that you prefer, caress them, play with their clitoris, asses, or scrotum, or masturbate yourself.
4. Creativity boost
Threesomes taught me sex is not all about genitalia. Maybe it was already something I learned when having sex with only one person since I'm not a fan of penetration or genital-reduced sex. I often enjoy sensual massages and caresses, kisses on the neck and legs, nipple or tongue play over the body, and eye contact. The thing is, there are many ways to sexually enjoy someone without necessarily resorting to their genitals. In threesomes, in particular, because it is hard to simultaneously share a dick or a vagina with another person, I learned there are plenty of other ways to enjoy sex without the need of having my vagina touched.
Threesomes are an incredible creativity boost, and a lot of practices I did for the first time during a threesome, I could apply it after to my non-threesome sexual encounters. Because when you are doing it there's not really much space for thinking, but rather for acting; and because everybody wants to be enjoying that practice, you'll be surprised by all the creative ways to have sex a threesome can teach you. My advice would be, again, to let it flow as it comes. But most importantly, to listen to your instinct.
It is important to remember that, no matter the situation, consent is something that can be always taken away. In case you are not feeling good during a sexual practice, it is important to speak up and stop immediately, or adjust it to your needs if you're still willing to continue. Having a safe word can help with that task. This can even spice things up or simply make it even funnier. For instance, during my last threesome, we decided 'I didn't get stunk by a mosquito' was our safe word, which meant we had to stop. And as we used it on the opposite way ("I want to get stunk by a mosquito"), we felt more comfortable with what we were doing and more connected to each other. In a way, getting stunk by mosquitoes was reaffirming our consent to keep doing it, at the same time we laughed at our ridiculous choice of safe words.
5. Ground Rules And Consent Are A Must
Without consent, there is no sex. That's rape. Consent is mandatory in all kinds of sexual practices, including masturbating in front of somebody, sending nudes, showing off your genitals, dirty talking, or even carressing and kissing. And consent can be best given verbally, though there are plenty of other ways to give consent. In any case, if you want to engage in any sexual practice, asking first is playing it safe. You won't only be avoiding rape, but you'd also be confirming sexual availability, which is the hottest thing on the planet.
When engaging in a threesome, I learned that establishing some common ground rules is as important as wearing a condom. That means super-ultra-mega important. One of my first threesomes was with two vagina-bearing people who were strap-on users and enjoyed anal sex. But back then, I was absolutely not ready for this practice, firstly because I had never enjoyed anal sex before –now I do, but that we will leave it for another article–, and secondly because I had just met them, and I didn't feel comfortable at that moment with that specific practice. So I decided to say it in advance, a thing they appreciated hearing, and as I expected, never insisted on doing later on.
Ground rules don't necessarily have to do with sex practices, they can be as diverse as human minds are. They could go from specific rituals to verbal expressions used during intercourse, or even to choosing someone to have sex with you and your partner. Are neighbors allowed? And friends? This is definitely something to talk about previously, as threesomes and sex can happen in the most spontaneous ways. Reaching an aforementioned agreement with all the parties involved will further increase the confidence of all, which makes people even hornier. This way, consent can also be given, and you guys can assure of spending a nice time. This is what threesomes are all about: triple pleasure and consent.
If you liked this article, you can support my work by sharing it on social media or with your friends. I'd be glad to hear your experiences, and I'd be even more happy to hear you used it as an invitation for a nasty trheesome. You can find me on Instagram @sensebarret and Twitter @marta_tiana_
Happy and free sex for everyone! 🔥🍑🏳️🌈
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